Before I start. This isn’t a complaint. It’s an observation of my own life.
To get you into the mood of the post, I thought I should set the scene by adding an image from out of our window. At home in Cape Town. It’s very beautiful here. I think the beauty is what has bought me here and what has kept me here. It’s all about me you see. Well not just me. I thought Mayu would also enjoy South Africa’s natural wonders, but it’s difficult writing about what’s inside of my head without all these mentions of me, myself and I. Even harder when one’s thinking inside of one’s head. That’s a sudden realisation as to why we spoke like that years ago, were we so conscious of saying I?
Coming back to the point of beauty in South Africa, its stunning, and it gets better beyond the views of our window.
When I first arrived here alone. I met a fantastic person called Loren. We were both keen to spend every spare moment we could seeing the wild side of South Africa. Monday morning would arrive. I’d sit at a desk and feel satisfied, that with the time I’d been given, I used it to its upmost. Maybe a good use of time is another way of explaining happiness.
In July, it’s cold in the southern hemisphere. And Loren had to return to England to continue her northern hemisphere life and continue her work as the face of Indigo trust.
I could say timing is everything, as something ends. Another begins. Mayu and I were apart for 9 months and in August we were reunited. Happy again, and keen to show Mayu all the wild places. We went camping. However something had changed, all was well on the weekends, filled with adventure, but the week days were falling short on the fulfilment front. I was not finding the same motivation through work, and Mayu was spending long days at home by herself. We both agreed, we’d been happier.
After our trip to India, hiking through incredible himalayan landscapes. I distinctly remember a conversation we had about death. We agreed, agreeing is our thing by the way. We agreed that if we suddenly died tomorrow. Our lives had been short, but fulfilled and we’d be happy to let go at that present time. We honestly felt strongly about this. As hard as it is for most people to believe, it is just as hard for me to write. Although I remember feeling this way, I don’t feel like this now.
Like any addict, we went looking for our next fix of fulfilment. Unfortunately a fix like this takes a lot of planning. And lots of planning takes lots of time. Its a funny way round of doing things. So I find myself spending lots of time indoors, either in front of a computer or with a spanner in my hand. Planning to spend a lot of time outdoors. I felt like it wasn’t a good use of time, and if a good use of time is linked to happiness. I wasn’t happy.
This thought is what spurred me on to write this post. The idea of planning something. Planning something big. Usually we plan to make things easier in the future, and in turn those plans make us happier. I worry that in this day and age we planning more and living less. It made me wonder about this idea of retirement? Plan all the happiness for the end, I’m not so sure about this.